ZY's birthday

December 16 2010

15th is ZY's birthday. And Glee's special christmas party and St James Boiler Room.

Work at flight was cut short till 1530 because we came early and finished 3 craters.

And Mr. Cal decide to celebrate it at Vivo and St James.

And supposedly we were suppose to meet at 1900, then Cal changed the timing to 1930 last minute. And everyone was still late. Damn it. Why do I still go out with these people?

Anyway, to mark today's attendance: Me, WX, WF, Cal, ZY, YX, TR, Mel.

Back to today's event, Everyone arrived at 8+, and we went to Botejyu / Ajisen / something i forgot for dinner. Ate till 9+ and we went to St James.

Wow. First time for me. How exciting.

After the Glee event finished at 11+, they decided to go clubbing at Powerhouse.

And that's the first time I saw what clubbing is really like: Loud musics blasting everywhere, people everywhere, more music, and more people.

I really felt alien in the club. And it's a miracle that I can stay until 2am, standing still and watching others dance. The only thing I enjoyed is probably the touching of other guys and girls while moving through the club. =x

I really didn't feel right inside there. Probably because I didn't wanna let myself loose. God knows what I'm gonna do while my switch is off. I might go find another guy and rub against him, or I might just kill and destroy everything there.

I mean, if me, while, sober, actually thought upsetting the stage, whacking all the people around me, and burning up the whole place. I'll definitely burn up the whole place when I'm drunk.

Thank goodness, at around 2 am, my friends actually got me out of that god-damned place, and decided to went home. I feel so guilty spoiling their fun throughout the whole night. =(

Sorry, people. I don't really want to spoil all your fun, but it's just that, I'm an alien in there, and Cal refuse to let me leave the club floor.

And before we separated our ways in different cabs, I wished ZY another Happy Birthday, and actually thought about kissing on his cheeks before leaving.

Damn it. I'm really really drunk to be able to think about that.

Coming up next, RRR night on 16th evening: more drinking, and Kusu Island trip coming Monday.

Cheers, and Merry Christmas.

My Past

Sunday, 121210

The other day, WF and I were going home together, and he was asking why do I dislike my father etc.

"Why do you keep a distance away from others?"
"Why do you always try to do things alone?"

I do. Because I don't like people.

Maybe that's because the way I was brought up.

Well, of course I refuse to tell him the reasons. There were too many. Too dark. Too strong. So powerful that it may break our friendship. Or rather, at least someone he would talk to.

It's just too difficult for me to open up to others. For me to believe in others. When I can't even trust myself.

What rights do I have to criticise others? When I can't even take criticism from myself.

On a unrelated note, me and my Dad got into an argument this morning during breakfast. All because I refuse to buy a drink for him.

I mean. I had enough of it all. Why does he always treat me like his servant? Why can't he do what he wants by himself?

"Why can't he put his children's priority before his?"

When he wanted newspaper, he would either ask me or my sis to buy for him. Rarely asking us what we wanted and buy for us instead.

It has been this way since I was young. It's useless when I turn to him for help. Maybe it was around that time when I realise that I can't depend on others to survive.

When I told him lotsa times before to quit smoking after he accidentally burnt me and my sis with is cigarette, he still didn't quit.

When I told him "even-god-doesn't-know-how-many-times" to quit drinking, he still drinks.

It's impossible. I had really given up trying to change him.

Now to me, he might be just another person to provide money to the housing loan. And other utilities.

Now back to WF's question. Why am I the way I am now. The above might contribute to one of the reasons. Me refusing to ask others for help. Because I couldn't receive any, so I rather not to have any at all.

And for the other question. I don't trust myself. So I can't exactly trust others.

I don't know when I would go crazy and stab everyone.

I don't know when the evil in me will take control and take everyone along with me.

There was one incident when I was in primary school. There was one time, when I just got a new wallet. I was happy.

Then my classmates wanted to see it. Of course, being the naive boy I am, I passed it around.

Then it got "lost". Along with what little money in it.

Of course I was sad. I didn't know what my parents would say. I didn't know what happened exactly. But later on, during the day, my "best friend"(read qi jie) told me that he found my wallet in the dustbin, and when he wanted to take it out, some guy poured ketchup over it.


I knew something was wrong. But I didn't want to suspect my "best friend". And I forgot the rest that happened.

This incident really left a deep scar in my heart. I was only in primary 3, and I knew what betrayed felt like.

Maybe that's what really caused me to turned to books. Did i mention that I went to the library almost everyday during my primary school days? Even my teacher was shocked at the number of books I borrowed, and suspect something was wrong when I refuse to write my reading logs.

Anyway, anyhow. This 2 incidents probably turned me into the way I am now. Plus a little amplifications during secondary school and poly days. And alll the time in between.

Ciao.

Homosexual

Monday, 6th December 2010

Yesterday was a fun day. Went out with the usual people. WF, WX and Cal.

WX and Cal wanted to hunt for 'Tiger's, but I'm not really into branded stuffs. So you could say that I was bored throughout the whole trip in Orchard.

While being bored and browsing through Cal's iTouch, I saw something that I should.not.ever.cross my eyes.

It's a app called Grindr. It's used for guy meet guy on the go.

Or rather "Grindr is the largest all male location-based mobile social networking tool for the iPhone, iPod touch, iPad and compatible BlackBerry devices.".

I realized the darkness I've stepped into and quickly closed the app.

But the human mind is fucked up. Once you know something, you can't just "un-know" it.

So I began thinking about lotsa stuffs. Like how he like guys. Like how I like guys too. Like how I feel that he's a fag. Like how I feel disgusted about him. Like how homophobic I am.

Like what a hypocrite I am.

I really need to know why did I felt all those feelings. Now I'm disgusted at myself. Hate myself even more.

And more convinced that there isn't any God in this world. Or any of those devils, demons etc. I believe that the evil of the human mind can probably surpass and devils and put hellish beings' ideas to shame.

Now that I've realized all of these. I don't know if I can look at Cal straight in the face and still be normal.

I don't even know if I can even look at myself and still stop myself from hating me.

Screw it man. I really don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I'm so ashamed of myself. I always boasted about how I'll do anything I said, and how I can do anything if I tried hard enough.

But I can't change my own thinking. My view. Myself.

I'm really such a hypocrite.