My Past

Sunday, 121210

The other day, WF and I were going home together, and he was asking why do I dislike my father etc.

"Why do you keep a distance away from others?"
"Why do you always try to do things alone?"

I do. Because I don't like people.

Maybe that's because the way I was brought up.

Well, of course I refuse to tell him the reasons. There were too many. Too dark. Too strong. So powerful that it may break our friendship. Or rather, at least someone he would talk to.

It's just too difficult for me to open up to others. For me to believe in others. When I can't even trust myself.

What rights do I have to criticise others? When I can't even take criticism from myself.

On a unrelated note, me and my Dad got into an argument this morning during breakfast. All because I refuse to buy a drink for him.

I mean. I had enough of it all. Why does he always treat me like his servant? Why can't he do what he wants by himself?

"Why can't he put his children's priority before his?"

When he wanted newspaper, he would either ask me or my sis to buy for him. Rarely asking us what we wanted and buy for us instead.

It has been this way since I was young. It's useless when I turn to him for help. Maybe it was around that time when I realise that I can't depend on others to survive.

When I told him lotsa times before to quit smoking after he accidentally burnt me and my sis with is cigarette, he still didn't quit.

When I told him "even-god-doesn't-know-how-many-times" to quit drinking, he still drinks.

It's impossible. I had really given up trying to change him.

Now to me, he might be just another person to provide money to the housing loan. And other utilities.

Now back to WF's question. Why am I the way I am now. The above might contribute to one of the reasons. Me refusing to ask others for help. Because I couldn't receive any, so I rather not to have any at all.

And for the other question. I don't trust myself. So I can't exactly trust others.

I don't know when I would go crazy and stab everyone.

I don't know when the evil in me will take control and take everyone along with me.

There was one incident when I was in primary school. There was one time, when I just got a new wallet. I was happy.

Then my classmates wanted to see it. Of course, being the naive boy I am, I passed it around.

Then it got "lost". Along with what little money in it.

Of course I was sad. I didn't know what my parents would say. I didn't know what happened exactly. But later on, during the day, my "best friend"(read qi jie) told me that he found my wallet in the dustbin, and when he wanted to take it out, some guy poured ketchup over it.


I knew something was wrong. But I didn't want to suspect my "best friend". And I forgot the rest that happened.

This incident really left a deep scar in my heart. I was only in primary 3, and I knew what betrayed felt like.

Maybe that's what really caused me to turned to books. Did i mention that I went to the library almost everyday during my primary school days? Even my teacher was shocked at the number of books I borrowed, and suspect something was wrong when I refuse to write my reading logs.

Anyway, anyhow. This 2 incidents probably turned me into the way I am now. Plus a little amplifications during secondary school and poly days. And alll the time in between.

Ciao.