Recap Year 2011

Saturday. December 31, 2011.

A few more hours to 2012. And I'm at home. Blogging. LOL.

Let's have a recap of 2011:

January -> April
Met 2 new people, Dickson and Eunice;
Finally got a bookshelf for my mangas;
And Bedok is under Aljiunied GRC, Workers' Party.

May ->August
Participated in RSAF openhouse;
Failed my first driving test;
Passed my 2nd driving test few weeks later;
And went Phuket with my NS friends;
My cousin Aaron came to Singapore to work, and is staying in my room.

September -> December
I ORDed;
Had a new job at Opus;
Created a twitter account;
Spring cleaned my room;
Prepare for new year.

Tough year. But nothing I couldn't handle.
2012, bring it on!

Cheers, and Merry New Year.

Christmas Gift 2011

December 19 2011.

One week before Christmas.
I saw my gift early this Christmas.
I met WJTHL on the bus just now. He was my best friend during most of my primary school days.

I didn't dare approach him. All my courage suddenly became naught.
I had wished for that moment past few years, and I let it slipped by me.

For I'm not afraid of asking if he is the one; But afraid of him not knowing who I am.

Why wouldn't I? It had be more than decades after all.

I'm not even sure he noticed me at all.

All I could do was mouth the lyrics to the sad songs that my all-knowing MP3 was playing for me.

I should just try adding him on FB. Just trying out my luck. Even though I don't believe in luck.

GLHF to me.

Astronaut - Simple Plan

Can anybody hear me?
Am I talking to myself?

I'm alright. I'm always by myself.

My mind is running empty
In the search for someone else
Who doesn't look right through me.
It's all just static in my head
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?

I don't want to get too close to people. Or I crash into them.

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down?
'Cause I'm tired of drifting round and round
Can I please come down?

Who shall be the first to receive my SOS? Who shall be the first to decode my SOS? Who shall be the first that I'll crash myself into?

I'm deaf from all the silence
Is it something that I've done?
I know that there are millions
I can't be the only one who's so disconnected
It's so different in my head.
Can anybody tell me why I'm lonely like a satellite?

If you are out there, tell me too. Birds of the same feather flock well together.

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot
Can I please come down?
'Cause I'm tired of drifting round and round
Can I please come down?

Now I lie awake and scream in a zero gravity
And it's starting to weigh down on me.
Let's abort this mission now
Can I please come down?

But I won't abort a mission. I'll continue till I've completed it.

So tonight I'm calling all astronauts
All the lonely people that the world forgot
If you hear my voice come pick me up
Are you out there?
'Cause you're all I've got!

If I can find you. I will rescue you. I will pick you up. Even at the cost of my life.

And tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
And I lost all signal when I lifted up
Now I'm stuck out here and the world forgot

'Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut
Sending SOS from this tiny box
To the lonely people that the world forgot
Are you out there?
Cause you're all I've got!

Can I please come down?
Cause I'm tired of drifting round and round.
Can I please come down?
Can I please come down?
Can I please come down?

You are always welcome to come back to Earth. And I just need someone else to crash myself into. =)

End of November Update

29 November 2011. Tuesday.

Didn't update for almost a month. Mental health has been stable. Probably due to the stress release through twitter.

Life till now, IBM had been fun. Dismantling laptops is as fun as I thought. After I get use to it, I should try for time attack. lol.

People there are nice. As usual, there are a few people who are too extreme for me.

1. Justin. He can't handle stress. If he can't figure out a problem. He'll get extremely stress. No joke.

2. Mervin. He's just irritating. If there's something degrading to say about something, he'll say it.

3. Yvonne. She and Mervin are enemies. And she's been labeled as a hunter. People says she targeting me (not sure if serious or not). Every time they joked about that, I feel like replying, "Sorry, but I'm gay." LOL. This will definitely change their mindset about me.

One thing that happened this month is the fact that Jason had leaked a rumor that Calvin is gay. He said he had evidence too. TR thinks that Jason might had a common friend with him to be able to prove this. Oh well, if I don't defend him, who will?

Another thing is, I recently heard a good song on the radio. Astronaut, by Simple Plan. Gonna do a song post next.

Cheers. =)

Current Updates

October 21. 2011.

4 days after my birthday. Birthday had been great. But not as great as last year. But I seemed to have forgotten the joy of having a birthday.

To me, there's no reason to celebrate me being born to this world. Maybe for me to celebrate having living for another year without any incidents?

Anyway, here's to me growing old and not growing up!

And I'm now working in IBM. Life has been fun so far. Well, it's up to me to find enjoyment in everything that I do. =D

Cheers.

引き籠もり

Sept 26 201
Monday

Just finished watching Scream on MIO tv. And finished 3 series of anime past few days. Ano hana, NHK and Angel Beats.

Ano hana is very touching. If I hadn't forced myself, I'd probably cried my eyes dry. And the ending for Angel Beats was touching too...

After watching NHK, I realised that I have the symptons of a hikkikomori. Well, not to the extend of having to trap myself at home, and fear what others think of me.
I don't really care about what others think of me since long long time ago, and I've always avoided places with lots of people. If I need to be in that kind of situation, I'd always have my headphone and mp3 with me.

Come to think of it, during our last RRR chalet, I hid myself at the roof, listening to my mp3. Guess I'm not that sociable afterall..

How I wished I could meet my younger self again. Have him teach me what is it like to enjoy himself among people.

Finally ORD

Friday 9 September 2011

Today I ORD.

Made plans for today. I always make plans on big days.
Itinerary for today: Camp->Bugis->Home->Clarke Quay

Woke up and went to camp to meet WX, JOCH, and WF for breakfast, and to take back my 11B which I passed to JOCH the 2 days before. Antony and KJX came along too 'cause they were the one who sent JOCH and WF to the main pass. On Antony's Audi TT. I'm so jealous.

Had breakfast, went to surrender base pass. Then went to take our IC.

Oh, my pink IC, how I missed thou! 两年不见, 别来无恙吧?

Went to North Bridge Centre in Bugis after that. Went and meet Lawrence, the recruitment agency guy. Whew, I really had to thank myself that I can find the place myself. Anyway, he interviewed me, passed me some info about where I'm going to interview on Monday. Seems like there will be a test about Windows OS. Damn, it's been so long since I used my Windows. Luckily I had practiced on my Sis's Windows 7.

Reached home at around 2, received WX's message about going out for lunch with WK and gang. But was too tired, and the thought of going out late at night killed my energy for the day.

But when the time came, and everyone on the FB page saying that they are not attending, I might as well not attend, right? Been over 4 hours, and no one asked where I am, that must have mean 2 things: They didn't have my number. Or they didn't care a shit about me at all. Meh.

Guess it's time for the next stage of life. I just need to earn enough for my part-time degree.

Wish me luck on Monday.

Fortune Telling

Tuesday 6th September 2011.

3 more days to ORD.

Last Sunday, went to a fortune teller with my mom, for my fortune telling.
I had to provide my name, date of birth, and time of birth 2 days before, so when I reached there, the fortune teller was ready.

She told me that I'm stubborn, righteous, independent, excessively thinking etc. But I do not have many friends. Well, I do agree to all these.... Continuing, she also say that I am very cautious of my image. <- Nope. Not at all.

Then she continued to drone on stuffs like me having 2 kids, no stable job, no partner till I'm 33 years... And that my Dad is very thrifty, and is willing to spend money on me.

At first, she was quite accurate. I mean, I do like to be alone most of the time. But then, when she told me about my Dad, what I taught was, "Well, there's a limit to everything. And from this point is all bullshit."

And after looking at the template, most of the options there apply to me, and if I may say so, probably apply to most people living in Singapore.

I had given her points for correctly 'guessing' my personality, but the minus points stacked more against her. I'm sure when she talked about my Dad, my Mom and I exchange glances and knew what each other is thinking.

On a totally different note, I got my new phone, Sony Ericsson Xperia Arc on Sunday too. Sleek, beautiful, but lousy battery life.

And that's it! 3 days to ORD!

两年的兵役

八月 二十一日 星期天

一眨眼的，两年很快的就这样过出了。
一开始时，还以为我能不戴任何牵挂的“毕业“。
没想到，不知不觉的习惯了兵营里的生活；
不知不觉的开始依赖别人；
不知不觉的开始喜欢上那里的每个人；
不知不觉的开始认为兵营里的日子还是真的满不错的。

我已经告诉自己很多次：千万不要依赖别人。

没想到还是一不小心的依赖身边的朋友。

只从中学以来，我就没把任何希望摆在我所谓”朋友“之上。
因为我不信任他们。因为人类是不可信任的。

但，我还是渴望有一个可以让我依赖的知音。
所以，当有一个对我好的人出现时，我就不小心的喜欢上他了。

我对不起我兵营里的大家。我更本不是个好人。
我试着远离你们，可是我办不到。

我实在好弱；
不能够阻止自己依赖你们；
不能够阻止自己喜欢上你们；
不能够阻止自己远离你们。

伟祥，你人实在太好了。
我为我喜欢上你，向你道歉。

对不起。谢谢你。

2 Days 2 Nights at Phuket

Sunday, 24th July.

Just came back from Phuket. Let's start reminiscing from Friday.

Friday 22nd July

Friday morning we arrived at Phuket. Was supposed to look for a way to our hotel by taxi, then we met a tour agency near the entrance. Bargained with them for a taxi-ride to and fro airport, and a trip to Phi Phi Island on Sat. Although it's called a taxi, it's actually a van for 10 people. And that solved our transport problem, and itinerary for Saturday.

When we made our way to the hotel, it was already late morning. And when we went to check, we were told that there wasn't enough room, so we got 2 rooms with a cheaper price. Of course, this was all suggested by the hotel management. I mean, I don't mind sleeping on the sofa if that means saving a 1000 baht for everyone. That makes it about 7000 baht? Nah, I must be wrong. Probably 500 baht each.

After placing our stuffs in the room, we went out to the area nearby the hotel to look for the beach and our lunch. We found that beach after a 5 min walk east. And for food, they actually wanted Samurai Pork Burger from McDonald's. But changed to a restaurant after deciding that Mc isn't that different where ever you go, local dishes might be a better choice.

After lunch was walking around and a simple massage. A clean massage. CLEAN. Bought a pair of slippers there too.

We then went swimming at the hotel's swimming pool. Had dinner at the hotel too. We then went for the night life there. Our main aim there is probably the Tiger Show and the Ping Pong Show. We went to the first bar, it was too smokey for me, and settled for the 2nd bar. The first one was okay, with a shower on the stage. But it was really too much smoke for me. Sorry guys.

The second one was smaller, with only 5 poles, 3 girls stripping, and 1 woman performer. From my point of view, only one was pretty. The rest, including the performer was less than acceptable. =/ What WX said, "Even random outside girls looks prettier then those inside".

But the Ping Pong Show was kinda amazing. Apart from the face, and a fat belly that looks like she had given birth, her pussy was powerful! She was able to shoot a dart powerful enough to pop balloons, and pull razor blades out of her pussy! But the ping pong itself isn't that amazing.

Meanwhile, I was kinda emo, thinking that I'm totally gay, for not being able to feel high after looking at all that. I opted to leave early, with WX, WF and ZY. ZX, NH, and OCH decided to stay for another 'show'.

We then left for the hotel and rested for the night.

Saturday 23rd July

Woke up to have breakfast and prepare for the trip to Phi Phi Island for snorkeling. Took the boat trip to an unknown island first. Did a little snorkeling there, but it seems like I'm not very good at doing it. When we reached Phi Phi Island itself, it was drizzling heavily. I didn't go for the swim, but the other 6 did. So I opted to stay and look after the bags for them.

The returning boat trip to the main Phuket Island is horrible for me. The seas were bloody choppy. Was seasick all the way back. But I'm not the only one. There was one other lady, about my age, probably from Malaysia. Talked a bit to her. She seemed nice. =) Wished I had talked more to her. Actually, I would have, if not for her mother by her side.

Had dinner at the hotel. Everyone had a huge appetite, ordering more than normal. After that, since they are going to find some 'massage', I decline to go with them, and went back to hotel room to pack up instead.

When they came back WX was traumatized. Seems like he got served by a tranny. Hahaha. Must be karma. He kept on saying it was a traumatizing experience for him. Seems like he didn't get his 'Happy Ending'. He must have been too cute for even the Thai tranny likes him too. If you wanna get laid that badly, you can always find me, you know. =D

Sunday morning. We took the taxi, went airport and went home. Felt airsick on the way back too. I blame the bloody boat for making me so week.

Over and all, it was a nice trip. But since it's a tourist attraction, it has too many people for me. I'll probably enjoy it more with lesser people. And thank god for the room merge. Who knows what I'll do if me and WX were alone in the room instead. I might really do something wrong.

Over and out!

Most eventful week in July

July 21 2011. Thursday

Cliche title, yea, I know...

Let's start from last week:

Last Thursday, 14th July, I finally passed my TP Driving Test. And it happened to be Mom's birthday too. And who would guess that on Saturday and Sunday Dad would let me drive his lorry.

I should have guessed. I mean, he had been waiting forever for someone to drive him home when he's drunk.

And today, I found out that due to yesterday's barricade movement, the vehicle I was driving got damaged. At the rear windscreen. Damn it. Had to write statement too. Let's hope that I don't have to pay the $180 for that bloody glass.

Anyway, tomorrow is finally the trip to Phuket. I hope that the 3,500 baht I brought would be enough...

Cheers. =)

Holiday

July 1st. 2011. Friday.

SAF Day.

Today is the day when all Military Personnel vow to make Singapore safe.
But that's not the point today.

Today we confirmed our ORD overseas trip.

Me, ZY, ZX, NH, WF, JOCH and WX.

At first they wanted Langkawi, but after lotsa decision making, they finally decided on Phuket yesterday.

This will be my first trip going out with my friends, not counting the Japan trip because not all are my friends. =/

So I suppose this could be a fun trip?

On a totally different note, there's this guy called YQ, a ME1(T) just joined AOF. Do not mix him with ME1 YQ or NSF YQ.

Anyway, I hoped that the people there could be nicer to him, 'cause well, he just wanted some attention.

=) Cheers.

Wild Grass

Saturday, 18th June. 2011

I didn't say it here, but Team Uniform graduated from RRR one month ago. So we got sent back to our HQ, AMS, AOF.(Except of the 6 Auxiliary Instructors who spent only a week in HQ before going back to RRR.)

I'm the type of person who enjoys being in a new environment, so even though most of the people when back to RRR after finish the Start Of Day Brief in AOF, I stayed there throughout the day. They only came back at the end of the day for End Of Day Debrief.

But for the past few days, after one whole week of night shifts, I realized that the people in AOF doesn't really want to give a damn about us.

I might had already realized before then, just didn't want to admit it.

But it's really kinda rejecting for me. I mean, if I'm at AOF, I DID tried to offer my help. But really, more often than not, I'm not needed. They already had teams that learned everything, so why would they bothered to teach us?

That's what I really thought.

So if they really didn't need us there, I might as well spend my day sleeping and playing DDFF at RRR.

Haha. I'm really like a wild grass. Useless, nobody wants any of it. Probably only better than weeds.

I'm probably too weird for others. No unique point. Nothing good comes out even if I try my hardest at everything. But I still tried my best at everything!

That reminds me. I didn't apply for SUTD. Serves me right. Should have bet on NTU and NUS. It's alright! I'll spend the whole of this year making my portfolio!! I'll make sure I get into SUTD next year!.

Let's see if this last hope will reject me too....

RSAFOH2011

May 29. 2011. Sunday

From 26 May the Open House began.

The past 4 days has been tiring. I even dreamt I fainted from fever last night.

But overall it has been fun. Let me see how friendly most Singaporeans are. When bringing the people from the alighting point, I smiled and showed them the way to the entrance, and most greeted me back, smiled at me, and thanked me.

Well, fun had been fun.

I shall end this with an incident of what happened today:

Today, I got scolded by a Navy guy for having too many China people in his bus. "Are you all protecting Singapore or China?" FML.

Airforce: Above All.

Driving Test

20th May 2011 Friday

I had driving test today.

I failed.

Seems like driving at 40km/h isn't fast enough.

And I missed checking my blind spot a few times.

Seems like my driving instructor isn't a very thoughtful guy. Didn't properly teach me the right stuffs.

Fuck it. I'm probably too naive for my own good.

Screw these people.

I don't really believe in karma, or retribution, but I hope that you'll rot in hell.

Cheers. =]

Rejection

Monday May 9. 2011.

I received my rejection letter from NTU. I can't say I'm angry at this. Just a bit disappointed and sad.

Fine, I already figured out that there's no rewards for good deeds. But there's still a tiny bit of hope left in me.

I didn't held much hope in both applications. Probably just betting the chances. Funny, since I hated the idea of betting.

Oh well. If I can't learn from schools, I just have to learn myself. What I had done for the past few years. It may be near impossible. But I'm still going to try it.

Let's just hope that this flame doesn't die out too fast.

Elections

Thursday. April 28. 2011.

May 7 is the voting day.

First time Singapore has so many opposition party coming out.
I didn't even know most of them existed before last week.

People has been spreading stuffs about not voting for PAP, and let other parties bring back the old Singapore.

One that is meant for Singaporeans. Not for Foreign Talents or others.

If I was given a choice, I probably would have done nothing at all.

But hey, if it ain't broken, why fix it?

True. But the standard of living in Singapore has been exponentially increasing over the past few years. If things continue on this way, I probably can't live for long without doing anything dramatic.

Life has been hard. Is asking to be out of this rat race such an impossible feat for me?

Trust

Monday 18 April 2011

Dickson wanted to patch. I didn't want to. After all, I can't trust one who broke so many promises to me.

I am a gullible person. I trust all people with no prejudice at the beginning.

Then I'll slowly lose my trust over them. Bit by bit.
Getting hurt along the way. Bit by bit.
Then believing in them a bit more. Bit by bit.

That's why I believe I can survive on my own. Alone.
Maybe that's why I don't want to have that many close friends anymore. I don't want to get hurt anymore.

Funny how when I finally decided to trust someone completely, 'trust' decides to break everything again.

Deprove

Sunday. March 27, 2011.

I have grown weak. Both mentally and physically. I believe it's either the lack of training, lack of discipline, lack of food, lack of sleep, or all of the above.

I actually felt shagged after running a bit more than 2.4km in 20 min.

I wasn't this weak a few months back. The recent events must have tired me out.

I believe it's time for my training again. Training of the mind.

Cold shower work best.

Day at Kallang Leisure Park

Saturday. March 19. Beautiful Full Moon.

When Kallang Leisure Park with WT, JS, JH and Clare.

Today's itinerary is: Lunch -> Movie -> Ice Skating -> Dinner -> Slack.

We watched Red Riding Hood. This movie seriously sucks. To the core.
The suspense, the climax, all is at the wrong place. The good point is probably the unexpected ending. Turned out that her Dad is the werewolf, and turned her boyfriend into werewolf too while both of them is trying to kill her Dad. And at the end, the boyfriend came back to Hoodie to stay forever and ever with her. Her fiance became a replacement for Father Solomon after he got killed by the werewolf. Two out of five stars.

Ice skating is horrible. But it's the good kind of horrible. =/ Learning about new stuff is definitely fun. At least I learned a bit on how to skate. Ice skate. And accidentally banging into little children, girls, and guys is embarrassing. I mean, even little kids can skate better than me. =( But I'll believe every fall that I make, I learned a bit more on the hard way. I'll be able to skate smoothly sooner or later. The only thing I hate, is getting my pants wet, gloves wet, and my wrist hurt. Dammit.

Dinner was at Pastamania. Had the usual Mushroom Bake Rice. After dinner was slacking off at Starbucks. 5 guys and 2 cups of Vanilla Latte. One Venti, one Grande.
2 iTouch, 1 iPhone, 1 NDSL. Stayed there till 9 plus watching each other play games. Yawn.

AND I SPENT ABOUT $50 TODAY!!!!! OMGOMGOMG. I really should go out lesser with them.

Over and out. =)

Dark Clouds

March 5th 2011. Saturday.

Went out with Jonan, JS, Clar, and WT today.

Had lunch at Subway, watched Adjustment Bureau, dinner at Yuki Yaki.

My whole day is like dark clouds that refuses to rain. Grayest gray that I've ever felt.

Each kissing scenes in the movie reminds me of him. Each hugging scenes. And the last breakup scene.

I'm feeling queasy all over.

Heartless

Saturday. 5th March. 2011

It was a 2 hours phone call. His last words were "don't call me".

And I couldn't even force a tear to come out.

I'm too screwed up. I really shouldn't have asked him to be my bf. Now there isn't any chance of being bff.

He said I know what love is. Maybe I really do. But these 3 days doesn't seems to prove anything.

Maybe I don't want a relationship with no endings. Maybe I just want to rush into a relationship. And I really hurt him.

I didn't want to hurt anyone. But I guess it's a bit difficult for a heartless to be able to break without.

I'm really sorry. I didn't think that it would turn out this way.

I am sorry.

The Truth

Tuesday, 010311.

I've told him what I thought. I didn't think he'll ask so soon. I wanted to wait at least the first month is over.

所谓长痛不如短痛

So I told him the truth.

Fuck it. It's all my fault. My fault for asking him first. My fault for making him fall so hard for me. My fault for testing out my own feelings. My fault for being so selfish.

He told me how I'd changed him. And now he'll turn back to before after this.

I shouldn't have used him to test my feelings for guys. I didn't wanted it to end this way. I'm probably the stupidest person in this world. In this universe. He keeps on showering his love on me, yet I can't ever reciprocate a bit.

I knew I wasn't normal. I didn't know it was till this extend.

I tried not to promise him anything, because I'm uncertain myself. Replying to him with a "I try". But it still ended up this way.

AAARRRRGGGG..... WHY AM I LIKE THIS? WHY CAN'T I EVEN TELL HOW I FEEL? HAVE I REALLY LOST ALL FEELINGS?

Then what is this urge to cry?

Why can't I cry even when I wanted to?

Why is it that hard for me to know my true feelings?

Fuck. Maybe I'll never have the courage to fall in love again.

Oh wait, how can I if I still do not understand what love is? *sarcasm.

Best of Both Worlds

Sunday, 200211

It has been 2 weeks since I'm going out with Dickson.

He's such a fun guy. I felt that I could be with him forever if I'm not that greedy.

Hell, why am I so greedy? Why am I so curious?

How could I be so contented, and yet still hungry for more!?

I remembered Mel once said, "No, you can't have the best of both worlds."

Now that I think back on it, maybe he's right.

Maybe I should make up my mind soon.

Lesson Learned

Saturday. Feb 12 2011

Had a long day, so I'm only going to post lesson learned today.

1. One part of me is ticklish. I would rather burst out laughing than to get aroused.
2. Dickson is ticklish too. He's too easy to attack.
3. I get motion sickness very easily. Should never ever try something that moves around fast. It scares the shit outta me.
4. Saying "Excuse me" once to the person peeping at you and your partner showering isn't enough. Apparently you'll need to repeat a few times with an angry tone before the Peeping Tom will back away.
5. Showering with someone you like is really fun. =)

Happy Valentine.

Insensitive

Wednesday 090211

It has not even been one week since I label him as my BF, and I already hurt him so many times. hurt him so much.

It's always me who say the wrong thing at wrong time.
Behave wrongly at wrong time.
React wrongly at wrong time.

I'm trying my best in learning how to express my feelings. But I don't know if I'm doing the wrong things or what, he always say "I don't feel your love".

Yet, he's always that nice to me. He can say the sweetest thing to make me happy. But I can't do the same to him.

I'm not good with words. I can't even console people if they are feeling down.

I'm so farking insensitive that I don't realise how I've hurt him until it's too late.

I feel so farking useless. I feel like I'm taking advantage of his love.

I'm feeling guilty again.

1st Date

Sunday 060211

Came back from Malaysia this morning. Slept the whole morning after breakfast and panadol.

Bloody bus caused me the cough virus...

Dickson woke me up by phone in the afternoon, and we made plans for the night.

Went to meet him at Kovan for lunch/dinner.

After that, we went to Punggol Beach to spend some time together. I really enjoyed his company. I hoped we really enjoyed being together. What else can I say? "He left a bitter taste in my mouth." lol.

On the way home, I was thinking about lotsa stuffs. He's such a nice guy. I would feel really guilty if I were to leave him for another girl.

I don't know about him, but right now, him being my BF makes me happy. If we ever break up, you'll still always be my BFF. =)

Cheers. =)

University

Tuesday, 1st Feb.

University entry for Polytechnic Graduates starts today. I tried for NTU courses.

Computer Science and Computer Programming.

I'm hoping that I could get it. Getting a degree would be so much useful in life nowadays.

Then I spent the whole day thinking. Maybe I should apply for NUS too.
But application for NUS need 'O' level results, which I don't have now...

Maybe once after I reached home, I'll try applying.

Wish me luck.

Uniform Chalet + Dickson

Saturday, 29 Jan 2011

A few more hours and I'll be going to Malaysia.

And for the past 24 hours....

Woke up morning to catch a few animes.

Then msg Dickson to meet him at night.

Went to Tampines to pick up beehon and fried rice and send it to the chalet.

Supposed to meet TR at 1230. End up he reached at 1300 instead.

After reaching the chalet, TR left to collect Encik Chan's present, and I'm left alone in the chalet to enjoy myself. Until about 6+, TR and ZX called and told me to take the ordered bbq stuffs from the carpark to the chalet.

Since I was the only one, I had to make 2 trip to take the 2 styrofoam boxes back.

After moving the boxes, rested a bit, waited for the rest of the people to come.

*Meanwhile people come*

Melvin came and attempted to make me drink with him. Which I did. And then I drank one more can after I finished the first one.

We played around dai di, joked around etc etc.

I actually wanted to wait for Encik to arrive before I left, but time is running late, and I have to go.

So I left the chalet and when to meet Dickson.

Spent the whole night chatting. Meaning, I listened, while he talked.

All while dropping hint at each other that we want to do, erm, stuffs to each other.

I was debating within myself, whether to throw his cigarette, kiss him, hug him, or just touch him. But then again, it was our first meeting. And I didn't want to act overly friendly and such...

After him explaining everything to me after he got home, I felt so dumb.

So dumb dumb.

Me Myself And I

Tuesday. Jan 25. 2011.

"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming"

Well, that really sums up my mood now. Today after night training, I accidentally injured WF. And a few weeks ago, during the COC parade, I injured TR.

I'm a violent person. Ever since secondary school, when I was always bullied, I've developed a violent personality.

It's really something like a self-defense mechanism.

When people teased me, I'd almost always try to retaliate physically. If they didn't stop at the first time, the second hit will be harder. And so on. And the force will definitely increase exponentially.

Until someone gets hurt.

Then I'll feel guilty all over. Because that's not the effects I wanted to have. What I really wanted is for them to stop. Stop the teasing. Stop trying to know me. Stop acting all friendly with me.

Stop trying to understand me.

"Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding"

Leave me alone. Really. Drop all the farce. I really don't need other people. Don't need other humans. If I tried hard enough, I could probably live alone by myself.

Maybe that's why I hate humans.

Maybe that's why I want to destroy this world.

Maybe that's why I don't believe in anything. Probably not even myself.

"No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there"

Welcome to my Life - Simple Plan.

Friends

Saturday 220111

Chatting with Dickson on msn now.
Seems like a nice guy. Can't believe I'm actually beginning to like him.

Anyway.. That not the main point of this post.

It all date back to Thursday.

Thursday after booking out, Uniform decided to have dinner at KFC together.
And we ate, talked, joked, laughed.

And I realised that I actually enjoyed that moment.

Then a conflict started within me.

"Should I enjoy or should I not enjoy?"
"Why should I, why shouldn't I?"

Then I realised. I'm feeling guilty. Feeling guilty for feeling like I'm the most unlucky person in this world.

Maybe I'm not. Maybe I should just stop being sorry for myself. And start getting my acts up.

But I really felt that I've done too much wrong to enjoy life.

But there are surly others who are much more worst then me?

But since I don't believe in god, I need to have a strong moral values.

I need to tell myself what is right or wrong.

So who is to say whether I'm right or wrong?



On a totally unrelated note. I made a new friend this week other then Dickson.

Eunice. =) Short girl. But fun to be with too.

Over and out.

Spring Cleaning

10 01 2011

Been spring cleaning for the past 2 weeks.

Now my room looks much bigger and nicer. And after lotsa whining, I finally have a bookshelf!

Yay.

Now all my mangas looks so in-place in the shelf.

But a part of me is still emo. It has been like, wad, 2 months?

This must be a record for me.

The problem is that I'm trouble about whether I have enough cash to go further my studies.

I would love to wait another year for this. But time isn't on my side. Neither is luck nor God.

What I have now is only hard work.

I really think I should go study. At least a computer science or something.

I want to have at least a stable job to feed my family. Probably for my whole life.

But what I really want isn't all this.

What I really want, can't really earn money: Paranormal Investigator.

Fuck it. That's why I don't believe in God.