Uniform Chalet + Dickson

Saturday, 29 Jan 2011

A few more hours and I'll be going to Malaysia.

And for the past 24 hours....

Woke up morning to catch a few animes.

Then msg Dickson to meet him at night.

Went to Tampines to pick up beehon and fried rice and send it to the chalet.

Supposed to meet TR at 1230. End up he reached at 1300 instead.

After reaching the chalet, TR left to collect Encik Chan's present, and I'm left alone in the chalet to enjoy myself. Until about 6+, TR and ZX called and told me to take the ordered bbq stuffs from the carpark to the chalet.

Since I was the only one, I had to make 2 trip to take the 2 styrofoam boxes back.

After moving the boxes, rested a bit, waited for the rest of the people to come.

*Meanwhile people come*

Melvin came and attempted to make me drink with him. Which I did. And then I drank one more can after I finished the first one.

We played around dai di, joked around etc etc.

I actually wanted to wait for Encik to arrive before I left, but time is running late, and I have to go.

So I left the chalet and when to meet Dickson.

Spent the whole night chatting. Meaning, I listened, while he talked.

All while dropping hint at each other that we want to do, erm, stuffs to each other.

I was debating within myself, whether to throw his cigarette, kiss him, hug him, or just touch him. But then again, it was our first meeting. And I didn't want to act overly friendly and such...

After him explaining everything to me after he got home, I felt so dumb.

So dumb dumb.

Me Myself And I

Tuesday. Jan 25. 2011.

"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming"

Well, that really sums up my mood now. Today after night training, I accidentally injured WF. And a few weeks ago, during the COC parade, I injured TR.

I'm a violent person. Ever since secondary school, when I was always bullied, I've developed a violent personality.

It's really something like a self-defense mechanism.

When people teased me, I'd almost always try to retaliate physically. If they didn't stop at the first time, the second hit will be harder. And so on. And the force will definitely increase exponentially.

Until someone gets hurt.

Then I'll feel guilty all over. Because that's not the effects I wanted to have. What I really wanted is for them to stop. Stop the teasing. Stop trying to know me. Stop acting all friendly with me.

Stop trying to understand me.

"Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding"

Leave me alone. Really. Drop all the farce. I really don't need other people. Don't need other humans. If I tried hard enough, I could probably live alone by myself.

Maybe that's why I hate humans.

Maybe that's why I want to destroy this world.

Maybe that's why I don't believe in anything. Probably not even myself.

"No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there"

Welcome to my Life - Simple Plan.

Friends

Saturday 220111

Chatting with Dickson on msn now.
Seems like a nice guy. Can't believe I'm actually beginning to like him.

Anyway.. That not the main point of this post.

It all date back to Thursday.

Thursday after booking out, Uniform decided to have dinner at KFC together.
And we ate, talked, joked, laughed.

And I realised that I actually enjoyed that moment.

Then a conflict started within me.

"Should I enjoy or should I not enjoy?"
"Why should I, why shouldn't I?"

Then I realised. I'm feeling guilty. Feeling guilty for feeling like I'm the most unlucky person in this world.

Maybe I'm not. Maybe I should just stop being sorry for myself. And start getting my acts up.

But I really felt that I've done too much wrong to enjoy life.

But there are surly others who are much more worst then me?

But since I don't believe in god, I need to have a strong moral values.

I need to tell myself what is right or wrong.

So who is to say whether I'm right or wrong?



On a totally unrelated note. I made a new friend this week other then Dickson.

Eunice. =) Short girl. But fun to be with too.

Over and out.

Spring Cleaning

10 01 2011

Been spring cleaning for the past 2 weeks.

Now my room looks much bigger and nicer. And after lotsa whining, I finally have a bookshelf!

Yay.

Now all my mangas looks so in-place in the shelf.

But a part of me is still emo. It has been like, wad, 2 months?

This must be a record for me.

The problem is that I'm trouble about whether I have enough cash to go further my studies.

I would love to wait another year for this. But time isn't on my side. Neither is luck nor God.

What I have now is only hard work.

I really think I should go study. At least a computer science or something.

I want to have at least a stable job to feed my family. Probably for my whole life.

But what I really want isn't all this.

What I really want, can't really earn money: Paranormal Investigator.

Fuck it. That's why I don't believe in God.