Homosexual

Monday, 6th December 2010

Yesterday was a fun day. Went out with the usual people. WF, WX and Cal.

WX and Cal wanted to hunt for 'Tiger's, but I'm not really into branded stuffs. So you could say that I was bored throughout the whole trip in Orchard.

While being bored and browsing through Cal's iTouch, I saw something that I should.not.ever.cross my eyes.

It's a app called Grindr. It's used for guy meet guy on the go.

Or rather "Grindr is the largest all male location-based mobile social networking tool for the iPhone, iPod touch, iPad and compatible BlackBerry devices.".

I realized the darkness I've stepped into and quickly closed the app.

But the human mind is fucked up. Once you know something, you can't just "un-know" it.

So I began thinking about lotsa stuffs. Like how he like guys. Like how I like guys too. Like how I feel that he's a fag. Like how I feel disgusted about him. Like how homophobic I am.

Like what a hypocrite I am.

I really need to know why did I felt all those feelings. Now I'm disgusted at myself. Hate myself even more.

And more convinced that there isn't any God in this world. Or any of those devils, demons etc. I believe that the evil of the human mind can probably surpass and devils and put hellish beings' ideas to shame.

Now that I've realized all of these. I don't know if I can look at Cal straight in the face and still be normal.

I don't even know if I can even look at myself and still stop myself from hating me.

Screw it man. I really don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I'm so ashamed of myself. I always boasted about how I'll do anything I said, and how I can do anything if I tried hard enough.

But I can't change my own thinking. My view. Myself.

I'm really such a hypocrite.